Mormon Church Urges Utah Gov. Limit Sales of Vaseline, Kleenex To Stop Masturbation

By H. Peter Johnson

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.

Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.

“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.

Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.

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  • David Bonfiglio

    They’re going to have to ban spit and socks.

  • Riphly George

    Idea: tie everyone’s hands behind their backs and penalize ( did I write that ?!) anyone who bends over “too far” displaying exceptional flexibility.

  • Willow Arune

    And Utah has the highest subscriptions to porn of any state. (They also have the highest per capita consumption of ice cream, the Utah version of safe sex…).

    • Spencer

      Hahaha haha

  • melvin

    I guess it prevents prostate cancer too…

  • KJH

    CAN YOU SAY “BULLSHIT”? What about women? Are they also on the churches list too and are they also limited in their purchases. How “naive” can a group be?

    • bonnie delgado

      it’s not a case of how naive’…it is a CLEAR case of DICTATORSHIP…..

  • Frank


    • Bo

      “Bob Whitbread” doesn’t even exist. This came from a phony website. Maybe you all should get your facts and sources straight before you open your ignorant mouths. And don’t act like pornography and masturbation aren’t a bad thing. They are highly addictive, rot the brain, and destroy genuine love and relationships. They aren’t “natural”. Only sex is. Makes me sick when people are so naive to believe crap like this.

  • Thank God I left Utah in 1979!

  • Kasandra

    Come on now, leave our Vaseline alone, this is a great moisturizer and you can use anything to Masturbate!!!

  • I’m glad to see the people of Utah band together to stop self-rape.

    • Daniel

      Fuck off idiot

  • Summer Williams

    Utah has the highest consumption of pornography because sex and mastrubation are labeled as taboo. Sex and mastrubation are natural and normal parts of human nature and should be treated as such.



  • Mormons?…….More like MORONS!

  • Lee

    Mormon church needs to join the 21st century and get out of the dark ages. God loves all of his children, not just the backwards Mormon.

  • Mark

    What if this creates rapists? Hmmmm? Have the Mormons ever thought of that?

  • Denise Hillyard

    We’ll just use our snot for lubricant, since there won’t be any Kleenex around to blow it into….
    ROFLMAO good one, BS News

  • Orga Sim

    Are the going to stop selling socks too? Cause most guys I know, jerk off into a sock Lmfao

  • Danielle

    I live in utah, but am not a member of the LDS church. I find it interesting that they want to limit kleenex. Each year my children’s teacher request that we donate boxes of kleenexs for the classroom. The kids aren’t using it for masturbation, they use it to wipe their noses. This is just silly. Let’s face it, if some wants to masturbate they aren’t going to choose not to because they are out of kleenexs, they will just use something else.

  • Debbie

    Who cares!!!
    Let’s worry about more important issues.

  • diamondmask

    You should not use petroleum based products when you masturbate. Just gives money to the Saudi’s.

  • lawrence molina

    Only in utah!

  • Derry

    Ok ban hand lotion olive oil baby oil the list goes on! And what young man goes in and buys large quantities of tissues and lotion? Idiotic people bet they have never aroused their lover! Yet these are the same people who at one time thought it was ok to rape young girls(sex under the age of consent is rape) Cruz quit this nonsense

  • Carol


  • Darby

    That has to be the dumbest concept ever.

    Why not just castrate the blighters?

    Religion is entertainment for the true thinking and logical mind.

  • Joe

    Now that is just stupid.

  • Lol‼️ Wow really this is dumb as fuck if somebody masturbate that they’re right and privilege there are people out here it’s hungry homeless and needing help there are people out here that has mental and physical disabilities people crying out for help that’s what we need to be focusing on you guys that the sales of Vaseline how are you want people are still going to masturbate. The church of Latter Day Saints need to get a life and focus on the real stuff and the crazy part about it though also talking about limiting the sales to keep people from masturbating are the very ones is doing more than a little bit‼️????????????

    • Aaron

      Lol cracks me up all the fools that believe this article is real

      Stupid uninformed people will believe anything that is written about Mormons or Utah what a bunch of lemmings

  • Diane

    How about waging war on hunger or poverty?

    • bluejello11

      Just like your comment. The church has a wrong set of priorities.

  • Kevin

    They might want to add hand lotion tshirts butter baby oil salava banana peels to that list

  • The Gov. Must examine the Brains of the CHURCH LEADERS first

  • Kate

    This is dumb, don’t they know, coconut oil is the latest lubricant rage?

  • Is Masturbation bad ? I did it n I heard it is good for health as well !

  • Sgt. Maj. Bishop

    Out of prurient interest? Exactly how much Vaseline qualifies as a “large amount”? (And are there any Sam’s Clubs or Costco in Utah? Any store which sells items in bulk is obviously in league with Satan!)

  • Robert Roth

    No more masturbation? How will married guys get any sex then? 🙂

  • flexdoc

    Omg this is hysterical. Might as well ban hand lotion and frying grease as well.

  • Spencer

    Worry about crack meth and heroin, those actually kill people.

  • Brian

    There just tired of washing jizz out of their magic underwear every day.

  • Billie

    U Mormons are freakin idiots…there is more to worry about in this world than masturbating to much….and if they want to masturbate limiting sales of kleenex and vaseline are not going to stop them

  • Rodney georgee

    So it’s true Mormons are wankers

  • Nelson Robison

    What will they ban next? Brains? Thinking? Because sex starts in the mind and continue ues to the body.
    When I was a teenager, any memory, any picture, any thought could produce an election which then precipitated self stimulation, ie masturbation! These morons will have to ban the teenage years if their plan is going to work! NOT!

  • LeatherJacket

    So, are they also going to limit sales of mention baby oil, olive oil, coconut oil, vegetable oil, margarine… ? What about zucchini and cucumbers? You’d think they’d have more to worry about than this. I mean, what about all those caffeine addicts out there?

  • rebeeca

    I work for walmart and I have never seen anyone buying large amounts of vasaline.

  • Daniel

    Complete utter IDIOTS. Grow up you ignorant fools! This is normal for anyone to do and there is nothing wrong with it. Your bigoted church and beliefs are what should be banned! Trying to control what other people do with their own bodies is ridiculous! Take your ignorant beliefs and shove them up your ass!

  • Jim Davis

    I’m what is referred to as a ‘Jack Mormon’. I left the church because of the civil rights movement of the 60’s. I’m sorry but I don’t believe a word of this. Even though I no longer practice the religion I can’t think that this is anything but a sack of bullshit. I don’t think this is official church policy. Maybe Snopes should look into this crap.

  • Tonka

    That’s why God gave you a foreskin and precum.

  • How about Swiss Navy and a large array of other self-stimulation lubricants

  • Josh

    Don’t you folks know a blatant joke when you see one? Just to set the record straight, the Mormon Church hasn’t even contemplated such a stupid request to the Governor, let alone made that request.

    • Daniel

      Sure. I wouldnt put it past stupid mormons to try shit like this given how screwed up their beliefs are Smh

      • Bo

        “Bob Whitbread” doesn’t even exist. This came from a phony website. Maybe you all should get your facts and sources straight before you open your ignorant mouths. And don’t act like pornography and masturbation aren’t a bad thing. They are highly addictive, rot the brain, and destroy genuine love and relationships. They aren’t “natural”. Only sex is. Makes me sick when people are so naive to believe crap like this.
        PS – you’re “stupid”

  • Mel

    If you can’t love yourself …. How in the hell can you love anyone else? Making love to youse
    Love to yourself is (SAFE SEX????)…..

  • Emitted Dean

    The Mormons own the coca-cola company but don’t believe in consuming it.Sooooooooooo…Guess who owns all the porno shops in Utah…………

  • AndyTheBouncer

    Great article, and great comments! LoL!! I met a Mormon once who didn’t even realize that gullible was the only common English word not defined in any major American can dictionary. Don’t believe me? Look it up!

    • AndyTheBouncer

      *American dictionary

  • Nikki

    Maybe they should worry more about the amount of church leaders who are molesting their kids or members of the church. Masturbation should be a personal thing not something you tell the bishop so he can make it a sin. Just another reason for church members to fear they will go to helI. This is a control thing no one has the power to stop people from masturbating. I bet 90 percent of people masturbating don’t use Kleenex ha ha

  • A close friend of mine, a former Mormon who went on a Mormon mission, did not masturbate at all during his mission. And this caused him to develop a paralyzing case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that he still lives with today — although he says it’s not quite so intense anymore. But he still can’t allow anyone to use his bathrooms at his home without then having to go inch my inch and meticulously cleaning and sanitizing the entire bathroom. And that’s just one example. And this is not in humor like the article above. Not masturbating when one is young is like not sleeping; both have increasingly serious harmful physical and mental consequences — some even permanent.

  • Common sense

    This is obviously a joke because the church wouldn’t make a comment like this.

  • Beau

    Look people the elite uses the morman church as one of their tools and they put this out there to try and start like a persecution of Christian type of thing . I’ve done a little research on the morman church and I’ve read that witches and and warlocks actually made that religion up probably not true but mormans got some weird shit going on though

  • J. Luther Cotton

    Who uses Vaseline for this? And Kleenex? Good god, what’s wrong with these people? None of the fellas in my halfway house ever used any of that stuff.

    I always use my grandma’s hand cream for motion comfort and I wipe up on her living room curtains. I like to get that old lady stank on when I’m dancing solo on grandma’s couch singing In-a-God-Da-Vida and Baby I’m a Want You.

    When the bridge club ladies object I tell them I learned it from an investigator on my mission.

  • Frank

    What if I like to use sand paper…

  • Hyrum

    Nice one! I can’t believe how many people fell for it!

  • BeeNop

    Thank you! Coconut oil is much more eco friendly.

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